To bind a spirit, first count its teeth. Circle it that many times with
ribbons or dental floss. You may want to give it a nickname, something
overly familiar. Take pictures of it and let it chew them up. Upon digest-
ing its own image it will begin to drum its fingers. Now you should leave.
Nothing will happen for a very long time.

To implore the sun for favors, first fill a bin with ordure. Your neighbors
may have some they are not using. Damp the scent in every way you can,
including perfumes, ventilation, or trickery. Assemble lazy friends to
guard it; once they start to shirk their duty, the sun will make off with
the bin. There is very little the sun can do for you, but you are now free
to ask.

To see inside the earth, first learn to sleep twice at once. If you do it
enough you will awaken at times other people are skeptical about, such as
¼ o'clock and 7%AM. At these times the sun is so bright that the ground
is translucent. While your friends narrow their eyes and make sarcastic
remarks, you can examine everything that has been buried. Be careful of
the sound that clocks make.

To last through an ordeal, first assemble wood, gold, and viscera. Drag
each of them behind you in a small bag. Odds are that you will meet some-
one doing the same.

To distill willful fluids, first carve some of your possessions into
needles. You may brandish these for emphasis while speaking, but do not
point them directly at anyone's eye. A selection of dessert syrups may be
useful for modelling to your distillable fluids the behavior that you
expect from them, especially syrups with floral ingredients, such as
orgeat or lily-savor. Protect your distillation apparatus from wolves.

To travel unnoticed, first thank your house. Praise each wall for its
individual virtues and the house for having trained them all in coopera-
tion. Then reckon up the objects you saw underground and take on each of
their identities in turn as your make your way. If caught, you will find
that a sequence of odors leads you back to freedom and anonymity.

To find a spouse, first paint yourself blue. If you cannot reach some
parts, the sun may grudgingly agree to help, particularly at night when it
considers itself most noble. This is also a good time to call upon any
physical travesties that you are able to manifest, such as odyle, orgone,
quintessence, the will, or ether. Detection of the spouse can be left up
to mechanical instruments, but once it is found you should greet it warmly
and speak to it fluently.

To free a spirit, first groom it in a modern style. Place a bowl on its
head and cut its hair quickly, without stopping. You may find that you
have forgotten its nickname and would rather hear from it by occasional
postcard than keep it where it is.

To repair a broken apparatus, first stand well away from it. Write ten
words on a scrap of paper and place it under your tongue. From a distance
whisper the words to your apparatus in order. Never worry that you have
mistaken one apparatus for another; each hears just what it should, and is
certainly happy to see you.

written for Nina, known as nne, in Cambridge, MA 11/9/08

I knew when writing it that this would be the last story in the project's original incarnation. I'd been wanting to use the ½/¼ key on my typewriter ever since I noticed it way back at the beginning, so that alone provided a sort of closure.

I've lamented before that most people, when told to pick "five to ten words", will not even consider choosing less than ten. But when it came time to summarize the project, there I was, saying "ten words".

Thanks to everyone who read, commented or requested.

- everything is by Aaron Mandel; please ask first if you're about to steal something -

<< back to more fast custom fiction<<